Honoring Cade

Yesterday, March 13th was Cade’s 2nd bday! His birth feels like a lifetime ago and like yesterday all at the same time.   This year wasn’t necessarily easier like I thought it would be.  Having Berkley this year did definitely take the edge off but as a family we still could barely bring ourselves to talk about “it”.  The baby, the situation, etc.  It’s too much to think about for me so I block it out.

On his birthday I try to MAKE myself think about it.  So I went through some old pictures- pictures that I can’t look at on a normal day.  We have videos of him that I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to watch again.  I watched them over and over and looked at pictures of him 24/7 in the weeks after he passed but then it got to be too much. And I put them away and I really never get them out.   The other week I pulled out his photo book and was flipping through it with Berkley. When I got to his actual delivery – I couldn’t turn the page and put the book back.  It was in chronological order so could only handle the pregnancy pictures and the pictures of me with my big-ole belly in the hospital. For the families out there that have years of memories stored away, I can’t imagine what that is like. Maybe it would have been different if he was healthy.

It ended up being a good day with family.  Kelly (my SIL) is the most creative person ever so made me the box below- thinking we could put his hospital blankets, etc. in it. I think that’s a great idea.  Jan (my MIL) brought balloons over to do a balloon release which was really special.  It’s times like these that I am grateful we moved back to KC. I’m anxious to get past Tuesday which is the anniversary of his death.  March 15th- AKA the worst day of my life.  IMG_8525

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...And every time I am sad, I just look at this sweet face

 

March 11

Two years ago I was in a hospital bed anxiously awaiting the birth of our first baby. Our first son.  I had NO idea what was about to happen in just 2 days.  March 13th is Cade’s second birthday.  After the events that happened earlier this week I wanted to cancel all of our plans but I am feeling much better.  One of the reasons we moved back to KC was to be around family and that’s exactly what I want to do on Sunday. Not only was Cade our son but he was a grandson and a nephew. I want us all to just hang out and remember/celebrate that little boy who literally flipped our world upside down in so many different ways.

I think the thing that has rocked me the most this week is all of the feelings that I keep just under the surface bubbled up on Monday after I talked to my nurse.  I couldn’t sleep at all on Monday night. Tuesday and Wednesday I tossed and turned and worried all night about me & about some of my friends going through IVF at this very moment (4 super dear friends- all within like 6 weeks of each other!!). I also got contacted by a couple this week who lost their 4 1/2 month old to SIDS and they have been weighing heavy on my heart.

Tuesday morning I had tentatively planned on taking a sick day. I’m pretty sure miscarriage = sick, right?  But I woke up, I put my game face on. I had a super productive day and just kept thinking how I am so lucky, so blessed to be Berkley’s mom at this very moment. She is my little anxiety pill 🙂

She is ELEVEN months and I just can’t get over her sweet little face in this picture.  We are busy planning her bumble bee (“B”) themed party!  I cannot believe ONE is right around the corner.

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Chemical

I think that sometimes God truly wants me to go through every negative experience there is when it comes to babies.  Getting pregnant, losing an infant, having issues breastfeeding, early miscarriage.  Yep- that last one is new unfortunately. Why?  I have no clue but with each experience I get that much more reminded that we are not in control of our destiny. And as much as I can do all of the right things at the right time it really isn’t in our hands at the end of the day.

I had my FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) on Feb. 25.  Things went great- we transferred just 1 embryo after wavering for weeks on transferring 1 or 2.  We both decided on 1 for several reasons but mainly because it was the smartest thing to do at this point in time.  It was a 4AA (chromosomal normal)  embryo and had a good chance of taking.

I was pretty sure it worked a few days in. I had the familiar signs that I would never admit out-loud when I am going through it but I get a very distinct feeling in my uterus. I had it with both Cade and Berkley.  But by days 4-5 I wasn’t feeling so confident anymore this round.  I documented what happened with my past 2 cycles and reading through my past cycles did make me feel a lot better. Basically the wait after a transfer is torture. You overanalyze EVERYTHING.  One second you are sure it worked and the next you are sure it hasn’t worked.

This cycle I got to test 1 day early.  CCRM usually does pregnancy blood work 9 days past your transfer.  This time since I am out of state and working with a regular OB/Gyn’s office that is closed on the weekend I got to get my blood work at 8 days past.  Blood work came back on Friday at with an HCG level of 35. Positive in the eyes of CCRM, given I was a day early.

I wasn’t happy with this number. You see with Cade, my HCG was 261 and Berkley was 383 at 9 days.  I knew to expect a lower number but I was thinking more like 80 or 100.  So when she said 35- I wasn’t happy at all.  So I texted a few people and posted on the CCRM support facebook page for success stories… and I got them and they made me feel better.  But I just KNEW it wasn’t good.  So I took pregnancy tests all weekend and they all came up just flat out negative or with the slightest line that would you have to squint to see.

Today: HCG 26

When you are pregnant your HCG numbers are supposed to double every 48 hours.  Today (Monday) we were looking for a number of 105 or greater.  This means that the embryo implanted but for whatever reason didn’t progress. Could have been the embryo or could have been me. We don’t know and will probably never know.

I am very thankful that this is the end. I didn’t want to be in beta hell where your numbers still go up (but don’t double) so you have to go back in 2 days later and it is just a constant waiting game.  So for that I am thankful.  I am waiting on a call back from the nurses right now. They assume that Dr. K will have me stop meds and wait for my period.

To be honest I am dreading the next steps.   Another $8K, weeks more of shots, and decisions.  Decisions are going to be the hardest part.  I have 1 average, fully tested embryo left (this means that it has been CCS tested for chromosomes + tested for restrictive dermopathy) and 2 CCS tested embryos that are not tested for RD. They carry a 25% chance of having the disease.  Adam and I are VERY split on if we would use these ever or not.   Lots of decisions…

What would you do on your next try?