I think that sometimes God truly wants me to go through every negative experience there is when it comes to babies.  Getting pregnant, losing an infant, having issues breastfeeding, early miscarriage.  Yep- that last one is new unfortunately. Why?  I have no clue but with each experience I get that much more reminded that we are not in control of our destiny. And as much as I can do all of the right things at the right time it really isn’t in our hands at the end of the day.

I had my FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) on Feb. 25.  Things went great- we transferred just 1 embryo after wavering for weeks on transferring 1 or 2.  We both decided on 1 for several reasons but mainly because it was the smartest thing to do at this point in time.  It was a 4AA (chromosomal normal)  embryo and had a good chance of taking.

I was pretty sure it worked a few days in. I had the familiar signs that I would never admit out-loud when I am going through it but I get a very distinct feeling in my uterus. I had it with both Cade and Berkley.  But by days 4-5 I wasn’t feeling so confident anymore this round.  I documented what happened with my past 2 cycles and reading through my past cycles did make me feel a lot better. Basically the wait after a transfer is torture. You overanalyze EVERYTHING.  One second you are sure it worked and the next you are sure it hasn’t worked.

This cycle I got to test 1 day early.  CCRM usually does pregnancy blood work 9 days past your transfer.  This time since I am out of state and working with a regular OB/Gyn’s office that is closed on the weekend I got to get my blood work at 8 days past.  Blood work came back on Friday at with an HCG level of 35. Positive in the eyes of CCRM, given I was a day early.

I wasn’t happy with this number. You see with Cade, my HCG was 261 and Berkley was 383 at 9 days.  I knew to expect a lower number but I was thinking more like 80 or 100.  So when she said 35- I wasn’t happy at all.  So I texted a few people and posted on the CCRM support facebook page for success stories… and I got them and they made me feel better.  But I just KNEW it wasn’t good.  So I took pregnancy tests all weekend and they all came up just flat out negative or with the slightest line that would you have to squint to see.

Today: HCG 26

When you are pregnant your HCG numbers are supposed to double every 48 hours.  Today (Monday) we were looking for a number of 105 or greater.  This means that the embryo implanted but for whatever reason didn’t progress. Could have been the embryo or could have been me. We don’t know and will probably never know.

I am very thankful that this is the end. I didn’t want to be in beta hell where your numbers still go up (but don’t double) so you have to go back in 2 days later and it is just a constant waiting game.  So for that I am thankful.  I am waiting on a call back from the nurses right now. They assume that Dr. K will have me stop meds and wait for my period.

To be honest I am dreading the next steps.   Another $8K, weeks more of shots, and decisions.  Decisions are going to be the hardest part.  I have 1 average, fully tested embryo left (this means that it has been CCS tested for chromosomes + tested for restrictive dermopathy) and 2 CCS tested embryos that are not tested for RD. They carry a 25% chance of having the disease.  Adam and I are VERY split on if we would use these ever or not.   Lots of decisions…

What would you do on your next try?


4 thoughts on “Chemical

Comments are closed.