Yesterday, March 13th was Cade’s 2nd bday! His birth feels like a lifetime ago and like yesterday all at the same time. This year wasn’t necessarily easier like I thought it would be. Having Berkley this year did definitely take the edge off but as a family we still could barely bring ourselves to talk about “it”. The baby, the situation, etc. It’s too much to think about for me so I block it out.
On his birthday I try to MAKE myself think about it. So I went through some old pictures- pictures that I can’t look at on a normal day. We have videos of him that I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to watch again. I watched them over and over and looked at pictures of him 24/7 in the weeks after he passed but then it got to be too much. And I put them away and I really never get them out. The other week I pulled out his photo book and was flipping through it with Berkley. When I got to his actual delivery – I couldn’t turn the page and put the book back. It was in chronological order so could only handle the pregnancy pictures and the pictures of me with my big-ole belly in the hospital. For the families out there that have years of memories stored away, I can’t imagine what that is like. Maybe it would have been different if he was healthy.
It ended up being a good day with family. Kelly (my SIL) is the most creative person ever so made me the box below- thinking we could put his hospital blankets, etc. in it. I think that’s a great idea. Jan (my MIL) brought balloons over to do a balloon release which was really special. It’s times like these that I am grateful we moved back to KC. I’m anxious to get past Tuesday which is the anniversary of his death. March 15th- AKA the worst day of my life.
...And every time I am sad, I just look at this sweet face