grief

Honoring Cade

March 14, 2016

Yesterday, March 13th was Cade’s 2nd bday! His birth feels like a lifetime ago and like yesterday all at the same time. This year wasn’t necessarily easier like I thought it would be. Having Berkley this year did definitely take the edge off but as a family we still could barely bring ourselves to talk about “it”. The baby, the situation, etc. It’s too much to think about for me so I block it out.

On his birthday I try to MAKE myself think about it. So I went through some old pictures- pictures that I can’t look at on a normal day. We have videos of him that I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to watch again. I watched them over and over and looked at pictures of him 24/7 in the weeks after he passed but then it got to be too much. And I put them away and I really never get them out. The other week I pulled out his photo book and was flipping through it with Berkley. When I got to his actual delivery – I couldn’t turn the page and put the book back. It was in chronological order so could only handle the pregnancy pictures and the pictures of me with my big-ole belly in the hospital. For the families out there that have years of memories stored away, I can’t imagine what that is like. Maybe it would have been different if he was healthy.

It ended up being a good day with family. Kelly (my SIL) is the most creative person ever so made me the box below- thinking we could put his hospital blankets, etc. in it. I think that’s a great idea. Jan (my MIL) brought balloons over to do a balloon release which was really special. It’s times like these that I am grateful we moved back to KC. I’m anxious to get past Tuesday which is the anniversary of his death. March 15th- AKA the worst day of my life.

...And every time I am sad, I just look at this sweet face

March 11

March 11, 2016

Two years ago I was in a hospital bed anxiously awaiting the birth of our first baby. Our first son. I had NO idea what was about to happen in just 2 days. March 13th is Cade’s second birthday. After the events that happened earlier this week I wanted to cancel all of our plans but I am feeling much better. One of the reasons we moved back to KC was to be around family and that’s exactly what I want to do on Sunday. Not only was Cade our son but he was a grandson and a nephew. I want us all to just hang out and remember/celebrate that little boy who literally flipped our world upside down in so many different ways.

I think the thing that has rocked me the most this week is all of the feelings that I keep just under the surface bubbled up on Monday after I talked to my nurse. I couldn’t sleep at all on Monday night. Tuesday and Wednesday I tossed and turned and worried all night about me & about some of my friends going through IVF at this very moment (4 super dear friends- all within like 6 weeks of each other!!). I also got contacted by a couple this week who lost their 4 1/2 month old to SIDS and they have been weighing heavy on my heart.

Tuesday morning I had tentatively planned on taking a sick day. I’m pretty sure miscarriage = sick, right? But I woke up, I put my game face on. I had a super productive day and just kept thinking how I am so lucky, so blessed to be Berkley’s mom at this very moment. She is my little anxiety pill 🙂

She is ELEVEN months and I just can’t get over her sweet little face in this picture. We are busy planning her bumble bee (“B”) themed party! I cannot believe ONE is right around the corner.

2016 – New Year, New Goals

February 2, 2016

The name should really be “2016 resolutions” but 2016 is already in full swing! So how are my resolutions going and maybe we should back up with what were they in the first place?

I don’t ever make huge resolutions…. I don’t like to set goals I can’t keep 😉 haha.

ONE.

Be more “green”. I am SO Colorado 😉

Since Berkley is a real person. She eats real food and makes real people messes. I noticed myself using SO MANY PAPER TOWELS. And I hated it! What’s a hippie to do?

We are officially moving to using cloths for about 99% percent of everything. I ordered a 24 pack of cheap white cloths off of Amazon. We use them for EVERYTHING. Spills, sticky hands/faces, wiping down the kitchen every day, etc. I have a small laundry basket in the closet next to our kitchen where I toss them after I use them. It makes me geekishly happy. Adam is fully on board after being somewhat skeptical for 2 seconds. I am also making my own cleaning solutions. If you are still using traditional cleaning supplies you should first read up on the harms of using chemicals in your house. I have made my own floor cleaner for a few years now. My recipe is as follows:

1 part boiled (and cooled) water,1 part vinegar, a few drops of dish soap, a dash of alcohol (to prevent the growth of anything gross) and lemon essential oil.

I put this in my Swiffer wet-jet container. I LOVE it. I love it the most because I love the smell of vinegar (doesn’t everyone ;)) and I love the fact that I don’t have to worry as our pets and Berkley barrel through it and it soaks into their tiny pores. I went ahead and ordered a bunch of spray bottles off of Amazon and some additional things off of VitaCost so I can make everything from homemade-natural bleach to every-day cleaners!

TWO.

More “me” time. I want to get back to getting out and about with friends more, actually commit to a Bible study and take a flower arranging class in 2016. I did the bouquets for my sister’s wedding last July. It was SO much fun and SO much work (I was Maid of Honor, breastfeeding, being the quasi-wedding planner….. oh! And she had NINE bridesmaids- which made for a total of 10 bouquets!!). But I loved it so much I think I want to make it a thing. I am doing another wedding in September that I am so excited about. So I think I am going to take some actual formal training. Here are some pictures from Kayley’s wedding. Let’s also take a moment to swoon……

(These bouquets are hydrangea, roses, dahlias, ranunculus, and carnation- which is possibly my new favorite flower. The carnation may deserve it’s own post at some point.)

THREE.

Baby. Yep. I said it out loud. We are in full-swing inject-myself-everyday-mode. It’s so true that you completely forget about the crappy stuff once you have a baby. IVF sucks so bad. We are transferring just 1. I am super nervous but we are both really excited about the possibility of another. I am a little more relaxed this round since I know it is possible for us to have a healthy baby. So many of my fears last round revolved around the possibility that we may not be able to actually make a healthy baby. I still want to work with a high risk doctor. I probably will still be too nervous to talk a lot about it. But TBD. We have a good embie, my parts all look healthy and ready so I am taking the stance of mind of matter. I have never met (or heard) of anyone with 3 successful transfers in a row but my nurse assures me that it happens! I can’t believe we are on the brink of my third potential pregnancy. When I think of things like that it does make me really, really sad. I so wish that both Cade and Berkley BOTH were here.

Heavy Heart

November 5, 2015

With loss there is almost an unspoken order of events that should happen. Someone that lost a baby before me should have their rainbow baby before me. This is how I have felt ever since meeting so many amazing women that have also had heart breaking losses. For some reason this order of events just doesn’t play out all the time. There is this one girl that I have become close with- we text a lot. She lost her baby girl in August 2013. It was a full term pregnancy & freak thing that happened during delivery that caused her baby to live for a week after she was born. I connected with her instantly because she had also held her child…spent time with her and made the heartbreaking decision to take her daughter off oxygen and held her as she passed. Just like we did with Cade. It all may have gone down in the same room at the same hospital actually.

Since meeting her I have wanted her to have a healthy baby as badly as I wanted my own healthy baby. Sadly, she has had 3 losses since (one all the way at 14 weeks of pregnancy). Her and her husband have started to go to CCRM for help and answers. She had started her meds and things were actually moving forward for an IVF cycle this month. Anyways, I got another heart breaking text this afternoon. A cyst was detected in her ovary so they are canceling her cycle this month. I am just sick about it.

I remember being stuck in that place. I too had random things happen that delayed my first IVF cycle. But then it happened and we had Cade. And then 4.5 months later I got pregnant with Berkley who is just about 7 months. And here is this amazing women- who is STILL stuck in the same place as when I met with her the first time over a year and half ago. Women struggling with infertility, I know you know the pain of waiting and waiting. Time passes so slowly. A simple 1 month set back feels like being punched in the gut. It’s really the worst.

So my ask for all of you is to say a prayer for her. There HAS to be light at the end of the tunnel for her soon. I have gotten fairly blunt with God since losing Cade and for this friend my prayer has turned into something like “give her a healthy baby… as soon as possible.”

October Run Down

November 2, 2015

Well HELLO there! October came and went and I had little to no time to write and keep up on here. Sorry, Y’all 🙂 Here is my quick October run-down and a glimpse into what is going on with our lives .

MOVING! Still… kitchen cabinets got painted (white, of course). Walls are being painted, things are slowing coming together. I’ll put up some house pictures soon!!

WORKING! Not as exciting, but equally-if not more- exhausting. I have been SO busy. By the time I get home at night I am just brain fried.

ROYALS! World Series champs… NBD. KC is buzzing and I am so excited but SO tired from those late-night games. The last time we won in 1985 (my birth year).

Berkley 10/31/2015 & me (about 8 months) in 1985.

BERKLEY!!!! My funny, adorable, snuggly, expressive 6 (almost 7) month old. She was sick, sick, sick 2 weeks ago (fever, puking, etc.). It. was. terrible. And Adam and I didn’t get any sleep for pretty much a week straight. She is all better now, but wow- being a parent was pretty tough there for a few days.

Honestly, I love writing and I love this blog. I am just having a really tough time finding my voice on here. It’s a very strange place to be after going through so much heart ache and now having so much joy. October 15 was Infant & Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. I was supposed to go to a group that night but Adam was traveling and we were staying with my in-laws while the cabinets were getting painted. It was just one of those days that was crazy and I couldn’t make it. A very awesome gal (who has also gone through a lot- and is still very much in it) lit a candle for Cade. It was so thoughtful.

“Celebrating the lives of our children who reign in glory”

Emotions

July 27, 2015

On Friday I was sitting at the coffee shop with my youngest sister and Berkley. Of course we were playing with Berkley, sipping on coffee and chatting. There were 2 women sitting at a table close by and my ears perked up when I heard the word “IVF”. I continued to eavesdrop (I know, classy) and this women was telling her story of multiple IUIs and failed IVF cycles. I literally could barely breathe because I started feeling so awkward and so bad about having Berkley right there in front of her. I remember being in that place and feeling jealousy when I saw other moms with their babies. I HATE that having Berkley out and about with me can sometimes cause those same sort of feeling in other women.

There are so many couples that have been in my thoughts and prayers recently. Lots of heart breaking stories. It’s just so crazy how many couples struggle with infertility these days. I think one thing that got me through infertility and losing Cade was completely trying to change my mindset and not letting those things define me as a person. I remembering brainstorming what I was good at and really trying to make a difference in those areas- just put the focus elsewhere for awhile. Infertility and loss doesn’t define someone, they just add to the overall story.

To the woman at the coffee shop- I’m so sorry you are going through this. I so badly wanted to come up to you and let you know that although I probably looked happy and stress-free with my little baby that it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies….

The start of something new

June 5, 2015

Another blog?! Yep! This has been a work in progress for quite some time (my previous blog can be found HERE). After Cade passed away, I started writing and filing my writing away. I never published them. I am not sure why- I think it is because I was so depressed I felt I had nothing of value to add to anyone’s day and I didn’t want people to associate me with this dark cloud over my head all the time, even though that is exactly how I felt.

Writing is therapeutic. And now with a new baby home – Berkley Ann (also referred to as B, Berk, Berkie, Berkley Bear… you get the picture)- I want to be able to document our life and provide a resource (and maybe some hope) for those people currently walking through the trenches of infertility or loss. I spent last summer just googling things like infant death & infant loss trying to find other people similar to me. I did find some and they were a huge help to me as I read about their stories and got to follow along in their journey.

I am literally a different person now from the girl in The Adam and Emily Show….although she was kinda funny and possibly witty at times 🙂 New girl, new baby, new stories, new blog!

XO,

Emily