National Infertility Awareness Week

The hardest thing about infertility for me was feeling like everyone was moving forward in their life while I was stuck in the same place, wanting that same thing that everyone around me was getting. I watched one of my friends have 1 then 2 then get pregnant with her 3rd before I had Berkley – and we had started trying just shortly after they did.  It was heart wrenching.  At times it felt almost unbearable but I got through it. One step at a time, one needle, one appt, one test result at a time.  I was thinking the other day how many shots I have a gotten since I started IVF and how many blood draws?  I would say a conservative guess is 2oo – 250 shots at home and 50-75 blood draws.   It sounds like a lot! And it WAS/IS a lot.  But its not near the worst part of it.  Its the waiting and wanting and longing and not understanding part.

 

If you are struggling with infertility here is my advice:

  1. Let the comparison go.  If you can stop comparing yourself and your timelines to everyone else your life will be somewhat easier as you go through this.
  2. Get off of social media if you are really struggling. Seeing 5 different “I’m pregnant” posts every time you log on is not helpful on your already wounded heart.
  3. Don’t let it define you. I let it define me.  After we lost Cade I had to figure out a way forward.  I started having panic attacks but once I came to the realization that yes, I had gone through hell and wasn’t out of it yet, but I still am talented in other areas and can focus on those instead.  I essentially had to talk myself off the edge of defeat every.single.morning. when I woke up. What are you good at?  What areas do you excel in? What are you passionate about?  Make your infertility your side-gig vs. your main gig.
  4. Get connected. Other women who are also going through IVF are literally my best friends.  I text with them almost daily. It is so refreshing to not be alone in this.
  5. Get healthy.  Eat right, exercise. Put your best food forward each month or round.  It’s literally the one thing you can control in all of this.

If you think there may be an issue but aren’t sure:

  1. Be an advocate for yourself. How many months has it been- what tests have you done?  My original OB/GYN told me there was nothing wrong and was upset when I asked for a referral to a specialist. It took almost 1 more year to actually get pregnant with Cade because my situation ended up being complex and I ended up needing surgery.
  2. If you think you want to talk to someone go ahead and make the appt. NOW.  CCRM typically is booked out about 2 months for a consultation and that wait can be terrible in itself.  If you get pregnant or change your mind you can always cancel your appt. but better to get it on the books.
  3. Do research.  Success rate vary WIDELY depending on your clinic.

Praying for you all!

 

2016 – New Year, New Goals

The name should really be “2016 resolutions” but 2016 is already in full swing! So how are my resolutions going and maybe we should back up with what were they in the first place?

I don’t ever make huge resolutions…. I don’t like to set goals I can’t keep 😉 haha.

ONE.

Be more “green”.  I am SO Colorado 😉

Since Berkley is a real person. She eats real food and makes real people messes.  I noticed myself using SO MANY PAPER TOWELS.  And I hated it! What’s a hippie to do?

We are officially moving to using cloths for about 99% percent of everything.  I ordered a 24 pack of cheap white cloths off of Amazon. We use them for EVERYTHING. Spills, sticky hands/faces, wiping down the kitchen every day, etc.  I have a small laundry basket in the closet next to our kitchen where I toss them after I use them. It makes me geekishly happy.  Adam is fully on board after being somewhat skeptical for 2 seconds. Screen Shot 2016-02-01 at 9.57.54 AMI am also making my own cleaning solutions.  If you are still using traditional cleaning supplies you should first read up on the harms of using chemicals in your house.  I have made my own floor cleaner for a few years now. My recipe is as follows:

1 part boiled (and cooled) water,1 part vinegar, a few drops of dish soap, a dash of alcohol (to prevent the growth of anything gross) and lemon essential oil.

I put this in my Swiffer wet-jet container.  I LOVE it.  I love it the most because I love the smell of vinegar (doesn’t everyone ;)) and I love the fact that I don’t have to worry as our pets and Berkley barrel through it and it soaks into their tiny pores. I went ahead and ordered a bunch of spray bottles off of Amazon and some additional things off of VitaCost so I can make everything from homemade-natural bleach to every-day cleaners!

TWO.

More “me” time.  I want to get back to getting out and about with friends more, actually commit to a Bible study and take a flower arranging class in 2016.   I did the bouquets for my sister’s wedding last July.  It was SO much fun and SO much work (I was Maid of Honor, breastfeeding, being the quasi-wedding planner….. oh! And she had NINE bridesmaids- which made for a total of 10 bouquets!!).    But I loved it so much I think I want to make it a thing.  I am doing another wedding in September that I am so excited about.  So I think I am going to take some actual formal training.  Here are some pictures from Kayley’s wedding. Let’s also take a moment to swoon……

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(These bouquets are hydrangea, roses, dahlias, ranunculus, and carnation- which is possibly my new favorite flower. The carnation may deserve it’s own post at some point.) 

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THREE. 

Baby.  Yep. I said it out loud. We are in full-swing inject-myself-everyday-mode.  It’s so true that you completely forget about the crappy stuff once you have a baby.  IVF sucks so bad. We are transferring just 1. I am super nervous but we are both really excited about the possibility of another.  I am a little more relaxed this round since I know it is possible for us to have a healthy baby.  So many of my fears last round revolved around the possibility that we may not be able to actually make a healthy baby.  I still want to work with a high risk doctor. I probably will still be too nervous to talk a lot about it. But TBD.  We have a good embie, my parts all look healthy and ready so I am taking the stance of mind of matter.  I have never met (or heard) of anyone with 3 successful transfers in a row but my nurse assures me that it happens!  I can’t believe we are on the brink of my third potential pregnancy. When I think of things like that it does make me really, really sad. I so wish that both Cade and Berkley BOTH were here.

The start of something new

Another blog?! Yep! This has been a work in progress for quite some time (my previous blog can be found HERE).  After Cade passed away, I started writing and filing my writing away.  I never published them.  I am not sure why- I think it is because I was so depressed I felt I had nothing of value to add to anyone’s day and I didn’t want people to associate me with this dark cloud over my head all the time, even though that is exactly how I felt.

Writing is therapeutic.  And now with a new baby home – Berkley Ann (also referred to as B, Berk, Berkie, Berkley Bear… you get the picture)- I want to be able to document our life and provide a resource (and maybe some hope) for those people currently walking through the trenches of infertility or loss.  I spent last summer just googling things like infant death & infant loss trying to find other people similar to me.  I did find some and they were a huge help to me as I read about their stories and got to follow along in their journey.

I am literally a different person now from the girl in The Adam and Emily Show….although she was kinda funny and possibly witty at times 🙂 New girl, new baby, new stories, new blog!

XO,

Emily